How a Fish Changed My Life (and can change yours too)
All my life I have been what psychologist Elaine Aron calls, “A Highly Sensitive Person” (HSP). An HSP is aware of subtleties in the environment and can be enormously affected by people’s moods and suffering. For me, being an HSP was an exhausting way to live because I wasted a lot of energy reacting to how others treated me.
In Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements the second agreement is “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” If someone says something upsetting to you, Ruiz says not to take it personally because it has nothing to do with you. It’s is all about what’s going on inside of the person: his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions.
Suppose your significant other says, “you are so ____” (insert something you don’t want them to say about you). It’s easy to take this personally and get angry…okay, I admit it! I’m speaking from experience. It’s a lot harder to follow Ruiz’s advice and remember your partner has something going on inside which has nothing to do with you. But once you live by this agreement life is much, much easier.
So how does the fish figure into this? I had to go to the computer store a couple of times this week. They’ve got a huge fish tank with one large orange fish and one large black fish (I don’t know fish, so this is my best description).
As I walked into the store, the orange fish swam toward me and I thought, “Oh how sweet, what a nice fish”. It was just like when my dogs curl up next to me. I imagine it’s all about me and how great they think I am. So I figure the fish likes me too and realizes I’m really nice (I know, it’s pitiful).
But the next time I go to the store I start talking to the owner about the fish. It turns out the reason there are only two fish is because the orange fish ate all the others. “It’s an attack fish” the owner tells me. “Just walk up to the tank and he’ll attack.” So I walk up and the “sweet” fish swims toward me and begins attacking the glass in front of my face. It had never been about me. It had always been the fish.
What a great lesson! Now if someone is tailgating me or doesn’t return my smile or says something “mean,” I remember the orange attack fish and realize it has nothing to do with me. What a relief! I bet you have an orange attack fish in your life. Remember it next time someone bugs you and see if you feel better knowing it has nothing to do with you.
I try to remind myself of this all the time…it is SO easy to take things personally, even when it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you!!! (It just seems to require a lot of practice!)
What a valuable perspective! I feel like I am a highly sensitive person, so I am going to work on implementing this tip to not take comments personally. I know this will help in all aspects of daily life.
A friend recommended The Four Agreements to me many, many years ago and I find that I read it at least once a year. Thanks for reminding me!